as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sacagawea was the original milf.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
