There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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