I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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