I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
