I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
