Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
