you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
