..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
