No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
