so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
