I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
