Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
