I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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