like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't turn off my feet"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
