I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
