He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They have beer where we have blood.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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