my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
