so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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