I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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