I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
