he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
