so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
