Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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