he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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