don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
