im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i now understand why vodka
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
