she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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