I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
