i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
