grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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