if only i could text you this smell
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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