Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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