It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
