I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
