dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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