my phone needs a breathalizer
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
