Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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