I skipped work to stalk him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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