i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
