Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
