Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
