I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
