I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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