That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I look better un-naked...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
