If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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