nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
