The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
