Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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