i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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