you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
