I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
