you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
