My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
