I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
