thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
