Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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